self acceptance

Thursday, October 27, 2016

I am on a journey.

A journey that I must be on alone. Because once I find what I seek, no one can take it away from me.

Not me pictured - just an image representing reflection
I was raised to critique everything about myself. Every inch of myself. My mother was a very insecure woman when it came to her body. She didn't love her body, always felt that she could be thinner. She was always in some sort of internal struggle with herself and she passed that along to me.

I was on my first diet at age 12. I wasn't a big or overweight kid, mind you. I was just different. I am half Puerto Rican and I am short, so I got my female curves much earlier than my friends. But my mom couldn't accept me for who I was on the outside, she could only see me for the number I was on the scale. So, at the age of 12 she placed on my first diet. The same diet she was on. I remember I would tear off the wrapping of the slim fast I was sent to school with for my lunch as an attempt to disguise what I had in my bag. I remember choosing to eat in the computer lab so my friends wouldn't see what I had to eat or rather drink for lunch. I tried to sit alone, sometimes other students would join me and I would do my best to hide my "lunch". I ask myself why? Was it because she just didn't want to do it alone? Or because she honestly felt that at 12 years old I needed to lose weight?

 I never asked her.

I entered by teen years questioning by body. Questioning my beauty. Being very insecure. I never felt that I was "as pretty" as I should be. This carried over into my early adult years and into my adulthood. Here I am, 20 years later, and I still not content with how I look. I am content with who I am, but not what I look like.

I have come to a point in life where I need to accept me for who and what I am. Because, you see, if I don't, who will? Along with the seeds of doubt she planted she plucked away at the very crops she grew. My mother and I have an strained relationship and it has been in the last 6 months that I have decided that in order for me to have any kind of future relationship with her, I need to work on me first. I continued to allow her to define my worth. I continued to allow her to plant seeds of doubt. I rarely felt confident after speaking with my mom, which I did practically daily. Its been an unfortunate realization that in the days, weeks and months that followed my radio silence with my mom, did I start to find my worth. I began to realize what a great person I really am. I am a good person and I am an even better person without that negativity around me. I found myself smiling more. I found myself laughing again, playing with my girls in a way I hadn't in a long time. I found that inner child that was scrutinized and let her free and un-judged.

I am a woman who had the miracle of life grown twice inside her. I suffered greatly after each of my pregnancies, each one of them triggering a war inside me. I have since been diagnosed with incurable diseases and disorders, along with the the physical changes a woman's body experiences after creating life.

So I remain on my road to finding self-worth and I hope for anyone who is struggling as well, that you take that first step, whatever that might be and work on being you. Being happy. Loving you...for all of your flaws and imperfections, because after all, that is what makes you, you. And there is no other you in this world.

You are perfectly imperfect.

Until next time...

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